And I Feel Fine

Sam Waxman

Cavalier Daily

Cavalier Daily

1996-10-23

And I Feel Fine
ABOUT a year ago, I used my allotted space on this page to announce the end of the world. Included in the trumpet call was evidence about the weather and the sudden popularity of Patrick Buchanan, Unfortunately, I was proven wrong, and hence, still have an alloted [sic] amount of space on this page. But now I am back with solid, uncontrovertable [sic] evidence. So as I said months ago: The end of the world is upon us, I have proof.
My first offering of proof is a criminal case in Bridgeport, Connecticut, where a woman stands accused of witchcraft. Evidently she coerced a 15-year-old into having sex, and then swallowing her blood as she cut herself with a razor during the act. The boy claims he went along with the fun and games because she cast a spell on him. Evidently he snapped out of it when she stole his stereo.
Moving from coast to coast, from the city of Los Angeles comes the heartwarming tale of protecting the handicapped members of society. Building and safety inspectors forced an area strip club to close an act in which a dancer performs in a shower, because the shower was not accessable [sic] to wheel-chair-bound dancers
In another case from California, this time in Whittier, six guests at a baptism party were stabbed on Sunday in a confrontation with party crashers, some of whom returned and shot two of the already wounded persons.
In unrelated news, President Clinton clams he shouldn't have to face a sexual harassment suit because as Commander-in-Chief he is on "active duty" in the military. He is spotted later that day playing golf in Arkansas.
The University's football team scores 62 points in a game.
Former bar bouncer Craig Livingstone is named director of White House security. His only previous job experience: dressing in a chicken suit. No one is able to say who hired him.
Yet my most impressive piece of evidence comes from the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, and is only done justice by quoting in full:
“Two local men [Thurston Poole and Billy Ray Wallis] were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and hit a tree.... On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
"After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. They swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking the tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might have been dead,” said Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world,” said Deputy Snyder, “but this is a first for me. I can’t believe that those two would admit how the accident happened.”
"Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught, and did anyone think to get them from the truck."
Like I said, the end of the world is upon us, I have proof.
(Sam Waxman’s column appears Wednesdays in The Cavalier Daily.)